Hulkamania Hullabaloo (2017)
Hulkamania Hullabaloo 2017 was held on April 1, 2017. The event was highlighted by Mark Jindrak defending the World Heavyweight Championship against DEFAULT, the Elimination Chamber match to determine the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII, and J-Pac facing off against Terry Funk in his first-ever SvR06 match. __TOC__ Background Although highly controversial, the final moments of Laugh Like Pee-wee were without dispute. Moments after DEFAULT won both his second Laugh Like Pee-wee match and World Heavyweight Championship, Mark Jindrak cashed in his Money in the Bank opportunity to ultimately seize the title. Ric Flair, who was highly instrumental in Jindrak's rise to the top as well as his championship victory, declared January 29th as "Mark Jindrak Day" and held a massive celebration in honor of the new champion. Showering Jindrak with champagne, confetti, and women, Flair admitted that he has given his protégé many gifts during their partnership. But now, it was time to bestow perhaps the greatest gift of all. The ultimate key to victory, the Figure 4-Leg Lock. While diamonds perhaps last forever, this celebration of the new champion didn't as it was mercifully interrupted by DEFAULT. The two-time Laugh Like Pee-wee winner didn't argue with the legality of Jindrak's victory over him. He did, however, question Ric Flair's part in bringing the gold to his camp. The circumstances being what they were, DEFAULT invoked his rematch to the man who won the title. Jindrak began to answer the challenge, but DEFAULT admitted that he was actually speaking to The Nature Boy. He was answered with a cheap shot from the dirtiest player in the game, followed by Flair ordering Jindrak to debilitate DEFAULT with his newly-acquired Figure-4. As Flair was woo-ing in twisted jubilation, Kurt Angle reached into the ring from behind him and applied an ankle lock while shouting at Jindrak that he wouldn't release it until he let go of DEFAULT. The champion did so, and retreated with his mentor before any further damage could be done. At Hulkamania Hullabaloo™, DEFAULT will receive his rematch for the World Heavyweight Championship. And to ensure that Ric Flair wouldn't be able to impact the outcome to the degree that he did at Laugh Like Pee-wee, Kurt Angle will be at ringside to keep an eye on Naitch. Not only will this match-up determine the true and undisputed champion of the world, but it will most assuredly decide who will enter the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII with the title. Ever since the controversial conclusion to Laugh Like Pee-wee, as well as the decision that DEFAULT would challenge Mark Jindrak for the World Heavyweight Championship, Walter P. Wiley has been lobbying to be assistant guest commissioner for Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. As for Hulkamania Hullabaloo, Walter employed the services of attorney and part-time pornographer Johnny Cockring to threaten legal repercussion if The Shark wasn't added to the championship bout. Dynamite Derek countered by hiring "The Prosecutor" Jim Johanson, who claimed that the former champion was also owed an opportunity at the title. The Kings of Crime, with legal counsel Ken Rosenburg in tow, would stake their claim for a shot at the title as well, despite their flimsy argument as to why. Brock Lesnar interjected himself into the legal battle as well, but rather than lawyer up, he admitted his hatred for them and put all the lawyers down. Lesnar then turned his attention to Ricardo Diaz and The Kingpin, who received a similar fate. When he focused his onslaught on Dynamite Derek, Ben Unhinged came to the aid of his ally. But rather than graciously accept his help, the Dark Luminary responded by planting Ben with a DKO. Perhaps he was disoriented and mistook him for Lesnar, perhaps it was receipt for Ben eliminating him in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Regardless, Linda Hogan was more than impressed with the hunger and tenacity of these stars. Considering the ad revenue for such a marquee match, Hogan decided that all six men would enter the Thunder Mixer-sponsored Elimination Chamber to determine who would go to the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII to challenge either Mark Jindrak or DEFAULT for the World Heavyweight Championship. With everything that has taken place between these six throughout the past few months, allegiances are certain to fall by the wayside in the name of victory. The question is, who will be determined enough to ride their wave of momentum into the biggest main event of all time? Despite being bitter about the way his opportunity to go to the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII was revoked in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, J-Pac continued to look toward the future. As he noted, he's still standing and his career is very much alive and well. On the contrary, Mick Foley, the man who eliminated J-Pac from that 30-entrant bout, is nothing more than a distant vision in the review mirror of the wrestling industry. As J-Pac put it, the most carcinogenic man in the history of the business was as good as dead. This statement rubbed one man in particular the wrong way. That man was Terry Funk. The native son of Amarillo, Texas informed J-Pac that he knows first hand that there's nothing that can kill Mick Foley. J-Pac inquired whether or not Funk still had the mental capacity at his age to feel any sort of remorse for inspiring a maniac like Foley, or for creating a culture of blood-lust among audiences. Funk was unapologetic, much to J-Pac's chagrin. In response, J-Pac kicked Funk in his worn and weathered knee, bringing him to a crumpling heap. The indefensible Infinity Kid used the sight of the fallen legend to preach about the negative side-effects of the "hardcore" lifestyle. However, to his surprise, Funk managed to stagger back to his feet and threatened to show the gutless, yellow-bellied J-Pac what it's like to really be in a fight. J-Pac suggested Funk drag whatever is left of himself to Hulkamania Hullabaloo. That being said, he made it clear to Terry that it wouldn't be some car-crash deathmatch debacle that he made famous. He promised to embarrass Funk through technical prowess alone and make him wish that he hadn't gotten up from his rocking chair. For the first time ever, Terry Funk steps foot in an SvR06 ring. Will he be the man who finally mutes the bitter diatribes that the vitriolic J-Pac has been spewing? In their very first match as a team in SvR06, El Muchachos became the first-ever holders of the Tag Team Money in the Bank contracts. For Carlito, this became the chance to once again hold gold at the biggest event of the year, Diaz's Fuck Fest. With The Shithouses once again at full strength, redemption against The Mullet Club was without question a priority. This was particularly upsetting for Scott Steiner, who once again targeted the recently-returning Jushin Tiger by ambushing and whipping him with his chain mail. Josh the Cat suggested that if The Mullet Club want to play with chains then maybe they should step inside of Hell's cathouse and defend the World Tag Team Championship inside the dreaded Elimination Chamber. At Hulkamania Hullabaloo, the titles will be on the line for the very first time in the Chamber. One way or another, if Carlito and Chavo Guerrero do intend on challenging for the gold at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII, they will be outnumbered regardless of who the champions may be. At Laugh Like Pee-wee, the former irreverent reverend returned to the ring and almost became the World Heavyweight Champion. Rechristened as Drew Thunder, Master of Drew-Jistu, admitted that getting fired last year may have been the most refreshing thing for him and his well-being. During his time away, he found inner peace and channeled it into a new form wrestling chi that is Drew-Jitsu. That being said, one of his reasons for returning to the industry that excommunicated him was to confront an individual that has been masquerading under his former mantel. The impulsive vigilante known as The Red Head. Drew Thunder admitted that he knew the inner rage that this man of mystery is surely concealing, and hoped to relieve him of it. Red Head acknowledged Drew's offer, but told him that he didn't really understand what he was talking about because he is and always has been objectively The Red Head. Nevertheless, the seemingly-oblivious masked man agreed to go head-to-head with Drew Thunder at Hulkamania Hullabaloo. Out of every unthinkable meeting in SvR06 history, this one in particular would have seemed especially unlikely in the past. But this won't be a match in the traditional sense. Drew Thunder will be going into this confrontation with the intention of unmasking The Red Head and purifying him of his inner rage, while using a strong defense as his best offense. On the other hand, Red Head looks to prove to Drew and everyone else that he is objectively The Red Head and not an imitator as the accusations would suggest. Since parting ways with the Intercontinental Championship, Chance has been experiencing a perpetual feeling of malaise. No matter how many gold chains and rings he adorned, nothing could compare to the coveted title. As his withdrawals have grown stronger, Chance has been virtually confined to his personal nightclub. After weeks of introspection, Chance finally looked to his bouncer, Chris Masters, and admitted who was at fault for the current state of his career. None other than Sheamus, the man who took his gold from him. Without hesitation, Sheamus offered a rematch to the former champion, as he's never one to turn down a good fight. But Chance couldn't bare to emerge from the club until he was once again draped with the title belt. This was when Linda Hogan proposed a unique idea. At Hulkamania Hullabaloo, the Intercontinental Championship would be on the line. But the title-holder would not be determined in a ring, but rather in the first-ever VI-Pumble. Sheamus will defend his status as United-continental Champion at this monumental event, but it will be on Chance's turf. That means that Chris Masters could easily interject himself if he felt it necessary. The question is, will the drink of choice be Cristal or Guinness by the time the club closes? Either way, this could be the last call for Chance to walk into Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII as a champion. Since initiating his Y2Justice movement, Chris Jericho has claimed to be the driving force of change in the wrestling industry. Though some of his endeavors have been unsuccessful in their resolve, Jericho's persistence has been unwavering. At Hulkamania Hullabaloo, Y2J has announced that he wants to break new ground for SvR06 by competing in the first-ever intergender match-up in company history. Jericho stated that he will give any female competitor who steps up to the challenge the opportunity to break down the "gender barrier of Jericho" and go one-on-one with the most woke man in wrestling. We've seen in the past how Chris Jericho has used his platforms to parlay opportunities that only benefit him, so any woman that answers the call should do so with caution. However, winning the first intergender match in SvR06 history would be unquestionably monumental. The question is, which XX-treme athlete will step into the ring with XY2J at Hulkamania Hullabaloo? At Laugh Like Pee-wee, Just Christian achieved the unimaginable when he dethroned Rey Mysterio as Cruiserweight Champion. However, the time to celebrate was short-lived. Mysterio would later interrupt Just Christian, carrying a scale in his hand. The former champion demanded that Just Christian stand on the scale and show the results to everyone. The result came as a shock to everyone. Just Christian was a pound over the weight limit, meaning that officially he was not eligible to compete in the cruiserweight class. Therefore, Commissioner Barkley was left with the difficult decision of reversing the decision and handing the title back to Rey Mysterio, whose title reign will continue unblemished. Naturally shaken by the decision, Just Christian looked to manager Ric Flair for support. What he received was The Nature Boy rejecting him in scathing fashion, telling him that he's the only reason he defeated Mysterio and that he managed to screw it up just like everything else he's ever tried to do. Just Christian was discouraged more than ever, but rather than look down and accept his reality as usual, he channeled his pessimism into energy to drop the weight and get the title back in his possession. In the meantime, Rey Mysterio looked to the upcoming Hulkamania Hullabaloo and towards his next challenger for the championship. His next challenge came from Daivari, who admitted that he didn't know Mysterio very well, but hoped that the champion would give him a one-on-one opportunity anyway. Mysterio took little time in accepting the match, almost as if he had already made some sort of agreement with Daivari beforehand. The two were about to shake on it when Commissioner Barkley interrupted to announce that not only had Just Christian shed his extra weight, but that he exceeded expectations. Some speculators even suggested that his tipping of the scale may have been attributed to the fact that he was wearing his championship belt at the time. Nevertheless, Barkley agreed that Daivari would have a match at Hulkamania Hullabaloo. However, it would not be for the title but rather for a title shot. His opponent would be Just Christian, and the winner will go on to challenge Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight Championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Results Before the thirteenth installment of the Fest could take shape, Linda Hogan announced that Hulkamania Hullabaloo would be the biggest thing for the Hulkamania brand in some time. In many ways, she was absolutely right. The inaugural event kicked off with J-Pac taking on wrestling legend Terry Funk in his first match in SvR06 history. Despite his weathered state, the proud son of Amarillo proved managed to keep up with The Infinity Kid in a match that his opponent claimed that he would out-perform him in. Funk put everything he had on the line, at one point launching himself to the outside with a moonsault and colliding in mid-air with a heel kick from J-Pac. After Funk had thwarted multiple attempts at the J-Factor, J-Pac grew increasingly frustrated to the point that he grabbed a steel chair and bashed it over the head of the aging legend. However, this wasn’t enough. J-Pac repeatedly drove the chair into the broken body of Funk before finally leaving him motionless with a DDT onto the weapon. Despite his stated intentions of having a straight wrestling match, J-Pac apparently caved to the violent nature of the more hardcore style that he’s been advocating against. Just Christian literally had the Cruiserweight Championship in his hands at Laugh Like Pee-wee. However, due to a heavily-disputed technicality about weight class, the decision was reversed and the title was returned to Rey Mysterio. To determine who would challenge for the gold at Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII, Just Christian faced off against Daivari, the man who continues to claim that he has no association with Mysterio. Within no time at all, Just Christian hit Daivari with a flurry of offense that culminated with an Unprettier in the center of the ring. It was at that point that the Rey Mysterio headed to ringside. Just Christian acted with emotion, targeting the man that was presumably there to cost him his opportunity to go to this year’s Fest. While pummeling the Cruisweight Champion outside of the ring, the referee counted to ten and Daivari was named as the rightful challenger for the gold. Up next, Intercontinental Champion Sheamus entered the club that Chance has been self-confined to in recent weeks for the VI-Pumble. Chance ambushed the champion, but Sheamus was no rookie when it comes to bar fights. The two smashed multiple beer bottles over each other’s heads before the turning point of Chance sending Sheamus crashing through a pool table. With finality, Chance brought Sheamus to his knees with an indistinguishably-signed bat before pinning him to become the new Intercontinental Champion once again. The Mullet Club have been successful in the tag team division due to their numbers advantage over their opponents. For the first time ever, the World Tag Team Championship was defended inside the confines of the Elimination Chamber against The Shithouses, bringing the numbers game to an even three-on-three. The match kicked off with Chewbacca and Jushin Tiger, who considered tussling before Scott Hall entered the fray. Shortly thereafter, Scott Steiner jumped in to even the odds. After Josh the Cat and Macho Man joined the battle, the true war between these two trifectas began. Following an exceptional elbow drop from Randy Savage onto Josh the Cat from the top of a Chamber pod, the battle shifted in favor of the champions. Soon after, Jushin Tiger the returning Jushin Tiger found himself eliminated. With that, it was three-on-one. On multiple occasions, despite his undying will to fight back, Chewbacca could have been eliminated. However, Scott Steiner continued to break up his opponent’s pins to dish out more damage to the wounded Wookie. Mercifully, Scott Hall was allowed to cover the final Shithouse and retain the World Tag Team Championship for his team. Backstage, Ricardo Diaz warned Dynamite Derek that Kane had better not involve himself in the outcome in the main event tonight as he did at Laugh Like Pee-wee. Dynamite reiterated that he had no control over Kane, but advised Diaz to take it up with the man himself. When the King of Coke turned around, the demonic Kane stood in his path. Diaz scurried away, but once again made his point clear. Drew Thunder looked to ease the pain of man who’s claimed the mantle of The Red Head. However, the current wielder of the namesake claimed that he didn’t need his help and that he was objectively the true Red Head. Throughout the match-up, the Master of Drew-Jitsu took many opportunities to unmask his rage-infested opponent. After his multiple efforts had failed, The Red Head opted to head back to locker room. Drew Thunder stood ringside in disappointment, leading to a no contest decision. After DEFAULT won the World Heavyweight Championship by winning the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match, Mark Jindrak used his Money in the Bank contract to cash in on the exhausted champion. With both men freshened up, and Kurt Angle in DEFAULT’s corner to prevent too keep Ric Flair in line, the two squared off with the title on the line. The championship bout was fairly well-matched, with Jindrak wearing down the legs of his opponent with his newly-bequeathed Figure-4 Leg Lock. But the presence of Kurt Angle, the man who made the champion tap out at Dr. Meinheimer, continued to prove a distraction. Eventually, Angle’s presence led to Jindrak’s ultimate demise, as the Moment Maker’s gloating opened up an opportunity for DEFAULT to land a Funny-5 and pin his opponent to become a three-time World Heavyweight Champion. Claiming to be doing so in the name of equal opportunity, Chris Jericho challenged any female wrestler in the world to face him The call was answered by Trish Stratus, arguably the most admired women’s wrestler in the world. Initially, this battle of the sexes seemed like a fairly respectful scrimmage. It didn’t take long for Y2J to show his true colors, showing nothing but disrespect to both the gender and size of his opponent. Despite her best attempts, Stratus was eventually submitted by the Walls of Jericho. But this wasn’t enough for the hypocritical leader of the Y2Justice movement. Jericho would then re-apply the Walls on his already-defeated opponent before he was stopped by SvR06 Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan. Hogan backed Jericho into the ropes with a series of punches before hitting him with a devastating combination of a boot to the over-active mouth and a leg drop to top it all off. In a fitting moment of poetry, Hulk Hogan returned to SvR06 at Hulkamania Hullabaloo. In the ultimate Elimination Chamber of the evening, a challenger for DEFAULT’s newly-christened World Heavyweight Championship reign would be named. Brock Lesnar started off the massive match with The Kingpin, one half of The Kings of Crime. Kingpin held the size advantage over Lesnar for a brief moment. That was when overzealousness caught up with him once again. The Kingpin ascended to the top of a Chamber pod and once again attempted a true Six-Star King Splash. Like lightning, the white suit lit up the sky and struck the ground with a thunderous thud. And then Brock Lesnar rolled out of the way and pinned him for the first elimination of the match. Next, Kingpin’s partner in crime Ricardo Diaz entered the structure. Lesnar quickly floored him with repeated German Suplexes onto the steel floor, exacting some revenge for the blindsided attack in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, before finally pinning him with a ferocious F-5. Shortly thereafter, Ben Unhinged, The Shark, and Dynamite Derek all joined the contest. All four hungry competitors battled to make it to the incomparable stage that is the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest, but only two survived to see the end: Dynamite Derek and The Shark. The Dark Luminary did everything in his physical power to get back to main event that won him the World Heavyweight Championship the year prior. Just when it seemed that he would, the lights went out and a familiar gong echoed throughout the arena. When they returned, Dynamite Derek was floored and The Shark remained standing. The monstrous sea-beast took advantage and earned himself an opportunity to challenge DEFAULT in the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII for the World Heavyweight Championship. In the parking lot, the ecstatic Walter P. Wiley headed for his car. Not only was his client headed to the main event of the biggest show of the year, he was fairly certain that he would be named the assistant guest commission for Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII. That was when a behemoth of a monster truck turned his car into a pancake. The driver was “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.